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FREMONT, CA- “Don’t ban books! Racism is harmful and systemic and we must address it!” These are the first words of Perry Johnson after being the first person given Elon Musk’s new brain chip. Musk and his team was unsure of what came over him, but after Johnson shouted, “Genocide is bad!” Musk realized what it was, and he became alarmed. Johnson was quickly sent to the lab and diagnosed with the Woke Mind Virus (WMV), which has been infecting millions of people, and, according to Musk, is spreading at an alarming rate. The virus turns independent, free thinkers, into mindless drones of the state, causing one to develop crazy and unfavorable beliefs such as the evils or slavery, racism, and genocide, as well as generally making those infected critically think and accept a braoder, more informed, worldview.
“Oh shit,” Musk said in an interview. “Where did I go wrong? I remiss the fact that this chip doesn’t unlock the mind into thinking I’m God – or at the very least, allow someone to blast sick beats directly into their brains so they don’t have to pay attention at boring-ass work meetings. But our primary and pivotal objective was not met. Improvements must be made.” WMV has been Musk’s target for a long time; he’s been searching for a cure. The Woke Mind Virus outbreak, per Musk, began in 2020, when protesters spoke out against racism. He claimed that was the start of everything. Acknowledging racism leads to questioning, which leads to learning, which leads to a mind being infected with WMV. Musk and his team don’t know why. Dubious ideas were pitched to resolve the outbreak until Musk decided on the best, “Yeah, brain chips sound great, nothing can go wrong,” Musk said. “We can make a chip that keeps someone from getting WMV, and give them the ability to listen to music or podcasts to zone out at work.”
A little known fact is that the term “stop the spread” originated from Musk’s mission to contain and eradicate WMV. Efforts such as buying Twitter, dealing memes, and smoking, per Musk, “hella weed” were undertaken to contain WMV from spreading. None of these approaches yielded significant results, though. Scientists and engineers continue to search for a cure, spearheaded still by Musk. They conjectured that a kickass brain chip would cure the Woke Mind – due to its ability to be sick and awesome – something those with WMV cannot be. Yet, this effort failed again, taking someone with no signs of WMV and transmitting it to patient zero, Perry Johnson. As mentioned before, he developed symptoms of critical thinking and a deep-rooted hatred for racism.
The Woke Mind Virus, c. 2024
With the help of his new chip, Johnson proposes a comprehensive, one-part plan to combat injustices: chill the fuck out. Musk has been the Frankenstein to Johnson’s Monster; Musk’s chip has unleashed a beast of a man that cannot be contained by his overlord. Johnson’s campaign has built traction among human rights and anti-racist activists, as well as the young audiences of the world. The platform of chilling the fuck out has really resonated with them, and it was only growing to moderates. This radical idea, according to Musk, would not have developed if the chip wasn’t implanted in Johnson. “Yeah, I suppose implementing a brain chip wasn’t the best move. Seven kids, three partners, mad weed, and ketamine did not prepare me for the prospect my chip would amplify the problem I mean to solve.”
The story is still developing, and Musk is fearing the spread of the Woke Mind Virus more than ever. Musk’s resolve to free thinking and becoming god-emperor of the mind of free thinkers has never been stronger. Perry Johnson’s immediate infection is making Musk re-evaluate his strategy. To regroup, expect Musk to have another child, do more ketamine, smoke mad weed, and perhaps try fentanyl. We will continue to provide updates as the story continues to unfold, but for now, we will just chill TF out.
Journalism 2.0 